Dancing Queen
On Monday night I went to a "worship dance workshop." I'm not even sure if I can express exactly what happened there, but it was so amazing and I am so thankful. I've been in dance all my life and I have loved it, but I've also felt a certain amount of self consciousness holding me back over the years. I first noticed it around 13 when it was recital time and I just didn't want to go on stage. I didn't ever remember being nervous about it before, but that is an awkward time of life for everyone. In college I danced every semester. I felt quite a bond to my teacher Don, and I felt like he saw me as some kind of challenge. Like could he get me comfortable enough to release the dancer within? We did perform that piece in the student show, but that was quite a feat for me, completely out of my comfort zone. Since college I've been missing dance. When I walked into the workshop 15 minutes late everyone was already dancing. I suddenly wanted to cling to Janice (who had come with me). I felt like an idiot because although Janice is married and pregnant now, just last year she was way younger than me and I was clinging to her for comfort. The young lady who led it was named Ashley Rollinson and she is amazing. She has her own ballet company based in Syracuse called Light of the World Ballet Company.The first thing the Lord showed me was that my mind-set about dance was completely off. I have always approached class with the idea that I will do the steps taught to the best of my ability to show the teacher that I am a good dancer. Ashley didn't lead like that though, she would give us some kind of direction and some imagery to work with, but no steps. She would say, "move as you feel the Holy Spirit telling you to move." So in the first exercise I began to move and at one point I looked over at her and she wasn't even watching any of us, she was just worshiping the Lord. I realized that it wasn't about impressing the teacher, or anyone, just worshipping the Lord. It was a humbling experience for me because I think of myself as a worshipper already. This was like when you are in a worship service and your in God's arms enjoying His presence and there is some teenager who doesn't understand and is trying to talk to you or something- I was that kid!
The second thing the Lord showed me was that I've always wanted to dance well to gain love and acceptance. My father is a dancer and I think I wanted to please him, and be like him. Later in life I wanted to gain the acceptance of my teachers, my fellow students, anyone. The Lord showed me through one of the exercises that we did that He is pleased with my dancing. It was amazing. I was like a little girl again in a tutu and He was in the audience clapping and crying over how precious I was. I was so thankful. Josh summed it up well for me later when he said, "In the past you've always danced to gain acceptance, but tonight you danced because you are accepted."
The last thing I learned was on Wednesday night at the second class. I went alone that night. During a meditative time of the evening I was thinking about what was holding me back, what did I need to surrender to the Lord. I knew it was the praise and rejection of men. There was a time in my life, a very difficult time, just before my senior year in college, when the Lord was teaching me that I needed to find my identity only in being His child. I couldn't be "Liz, president of IV," or,"Liz, the evangelist," or, "Liz, so-and-so's girlfriend." I had to be content and at peace as just Liz, child of God. It was a very important lesson for me. Since I've been married to Josh there have been times when I've thought maybe I'm too much in love with him and my children. What if I lose them all because I love them too much. As I was searching my heart on Wednesday I realized that a lot of times I go places with my kids and they are like a blanket covering my self consciousness. I don't have to have attention on me and who I am when I have two adorable munchkins to attract the attention, or my husband to tell stories. I've become, "Liz, wife of Josh", and "Liz, mother of Emma and Josiah." At this dance/worship service I was alone. It was me in front of other women and the Lord, just me. What am I afraid of people seeing? I don't know, but it doesn't matter, the point is that I was again just Liz- child of God. It is hard to stand naked before the Lord, there is always the compulsion to sew together fig leaves and cover ourselves. But we are accepted by him, regardless of who has accepted or rejected us in the past. Regardless of what we have done. Through the blood of Jesus we are all his precious little princesses twirling in pink tutus and bringing joy to our father's heart. Thank you Jesus, I love to make you smile.
posted by Liz @ 10:47 AM
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