Contentment.....ARRG!
The kids and I went to Albany for five days to see my sister and her kids while they were passing through. While I was there Josh and I got into a phone argument because I mentioned that I was feeling like there wasn't enough romance in my life. Anyway, I was feeling very sorry for myself, like an old married lady, on the shelf. I felt very justified in my self pity and decided to roll in it all week like a pig in a mud pit. When I got home on Sunday Josh was waiting for me. He had cleaned the whole house, a beautiful dinner was on the table and there were roses and wine. We sat down and ate and then a bit latter we put the kids to bed and he brought out two presents for me. One was a new copy of Pride and Prejudice. Mine fell apart two weeks ago due to over use. The other was a CD with all the songs that meant something to us in our relationship since we started liking each other back on Maple St. in Potsdam. He wrote a little booklet to go with it explaining what memory went with each song and all. I cried and cried. It was so wonderful. He said he was so mad because we got into the fight on Thursday and Wednesday night he had been up until 1 making the CD for me. He asked me to pray and ask the Lord next time I feel like I need something instead of "cutting his balls off."So all that was wonderful, right. It should now end "and they lived happily ever after because Liz's needs were met." Unfortunately it doesn't end like that. Self-pity is a destructive thing and when we give way to it it cannot be satisfied. The very next day I was stressed with the kids and I went to Toys R Us and used a gift card Josiah got for his birthday and bought a big toy for them. I spent more than the card was worth though. I had this feeling that I shouldn't have done it, but I didn't listen and when Josh called I was ashamed to tell him what I had done. He didn't yell, he was upset though and I knew I had to take it back. I was feeling all sorry for myself again. "why can't I spend money, why can't the kids have this toy?" And then I realized, yesterday all I felt I needed to be happy was some romance, I got it but now I'm not happy again because I want more money. How ridiculous! I need to learn to be content. I spent some time sitting in God's presence to begin to learn. Thank you Jesus for repentance and restoration of relationship.
Lord, this is my prayer, that I'd be satisfied with You
Oh Lord, to know you more
To Love You more.
Lord I see my need a place only You can fill inside of me
An empty hole
A barren land
Be my satisfaction, Be my hearts devotion
Be my wind, be my fire, be my heart's one desire
Be everything
posted by Liz @ 10:46 AM
7 Comments:
well, since you did ask if I needed anything...
I'll take you up on your offer (from a long time ago) for you to make me a Moby wrap. Obviously there is no rush, since I'm only 7 weeks along. But anyway. Just thought I'd remind you :-)
I love that this post was so honest....self-pity is a horrible thing, isn't it?
As for teaching younger kids or doing daycare...yes, I have thought about it, but lest we forget this is NY and one must be certified for everything....and my certification does not match. :(
You have one great husband there...I'm a little jealous. :)
Hey Liz- just wanted to say thank you for your prayers. I appreciate all I can get!
Self-pity has always been my downfall, so I can imagine very much what your week was like. The amazing thing about the Lord (and good husbands) is the way He wipes it all away... and shows us how much more His way (dying instead of grasping) satisfies our souls' deepest longings.
I think the book Shame Off You was recommended to my dad by Dr. Tallo. I'll tell you more about it when I get a little further along. (It's my "sitting in the bedroom while the kids fall asleep at naptime" reading, so I only read about a chapter or 2 each day.)
Thank God for good husbands who can pull us up from the pit of self-pity. I think it was David in one of the Psalms who also dealt with it...wondering why the wicked prosper while the righteous do not...and he is basically told that the wicked will lose it all in the end. Another good reminder "in the world you will have trouble, but take heart! for I have overcome the world". I know, it's a lot easier remembered than practiced, but I hope you will find success in taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. This was a good reminder for me, too:).
How transparent this post is, and thank you for it.
I found a bunch of plants--and a planter--on sale today, and bought them. Mind you, it was with my own money, but I felt guilty, too. You've reminded me to not do it if I'm feeling guilty. If it's meant to be, then God will make sure it's there later, after asking hubby for his opinion.
Eating humble pie, and planning a nice 'repentance' dinner... ;)
oh I'm swooning! that was wonderful of him....but yeah I know the mentality. I have the feeling I'll be fighting it alot this fall. saying well if I just had my loan I wouldn't have to be just about killing myself working to make this work! oh go read my xanga to get the latest update in my dramatic world! :) Oh and what is your church called again and how far is it from elim?
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